Akio vs. the Frying Pan
by Kiru Banzai
Summary: Saionji attempts to escape the academy, but is pursued by the Rijichou.


"Wakaba-kun?" He stood in the hall, awkwardly clutching a knapsack. Her hand on the doorframe tightened when she saw him, and her expression changed at once from bouncy good nature to something unreadable.   
"Saionji-sempai. What are you doing here?"  
"I, uh, I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd, y'know, come see you."  
"Oh." She waited for him to say more.   
Haltingly, he began. "I simply could not stay at the school anymore. I--there was some trouble--with the Rijichou."  
She looked interested. "You were expelled again?"  
"Uh, no, I just..." He trailed off. "I could not stay there."  
"Why?"  
"Please, Wakaba-kun, I need a place to stay."  
She stood silent for a moment, weighing the decision. Then she smiled brightly. "Would you like some tea? I have the cutest mugs."  
  
Saionji couldn't sleep. He paced the room silently, being careful not to wake the girl. He didn't think for a moment he'd escaped. No, the Rijichou was too smart to just let him walk off campus. If he didn't get out of here soon he was screwed, both in the literal and figurative sense. He needed money and transportation. He wondered briefly if Wakaba-kun had a car, and if so how difficult it would be to hotwire. Then he smiled to himself. She'd probably *give* him the car if he asked her. He was one smooth bastard.   
The doorknob rattled slightly and began to turn. Saionji forgot to breathe. He looked at the window--no. Too far down. Even if he didn't break anything it would slow him down too much. The door swung open on well-oiled hinges. Saionji ripped his longing gaze from the window and turned to face the door.  
There was nothing behind it.  
Saionji was mid-sigh-of-relief when Akio stepped out from behind the door.   
" 'Evening."  
Saionji scrambled vaguely backwards and tripped over the coffee table. A small lamb-shaped mug fell onto the floor and broke into many pieces. Wakaba murmured and rolled over in her sleep.   
Akio laughed. "That's very cute, Fukukaichou. But it won't help you. You can't escape." Saionji seriously considered jumping out the window again. The Rijichou advanced. "You've been a naughty boy, and now it's time to come home. That is, if you're quite finished freeloading off--" The moonlight glittered off something metallic for a moment. There was a sharp crack, and the Rijichou crumpled to the floor.   
The light went on. There stood Wakaba over the body of the Rijichou, weilding a huge frying pan grasped in both hands.   
"Oops."  
Saionji looked at Wakaba, then at the Rijichou, then at Wakaba again. "Wakaba, where did you get that frying pan?"   
She blushed. "Uh...I...well, to be honest, I sleep with it. It's like a teddy bear, y'know?" Wakaba looked in horror at the body at her feet. "Oh my god. Oh my god, it's the Rijichou! What am I going to do? I thought he was a burglar. Saionji, do you think he'll expel me?"  
Saionji ignored her as he tried to gauge the extent of this new windfall. Akio seemed to be out cold. A large bump was forming on the back of his head. He still had a pulse. Well, thought Saionji, that last one was easily enough taken care of. Plans began to form in his mind.   
"Wakaba-kun, do you have any duct tape?"  
"Third drawer on the left. I just hope the Rijichou is forgiving. He always seemed pretty nice, you know, to me, but people are probably a little different when they're hit over the head with a frying pan, don't you think?"  
"Uh huh."   
"I really did think he was a burglar, even though I don't have much to steal and I probably should have known better, but I just looked up and you were on the floor and it looked like he was threatening you, and so I just panicked! Saionji, why are you duct-taping his hands together?"  
"It's okay, Wakaba-kun. I'll take care of it."   
"Oh. Okay. It's his own fault, anyway. I mean, it's not like he knocked or yelled out, 'I am not a burglar' or anything. And what was he doing coming into one of his students' house in the middle of the night, anyway? He was talking to you, Saionji. What did he say? Did you invite him over? Saionji? What are you doing?"  
Saionji hefted Akio's body over his shoulder and walked out the door. "It's okay, Wakaba-kun. I'll take him to a hospital." Wakaba stared after him as he ran down the hall.  
  
Akio's car was parked outside. Saionji found the keys in the Rijichou's pocket and dumped him unceremoniously in the back seat. He thanked a number of gods, notably those dealing with young girls with frying pans, and started the car up. It was exceptionally fine. Saionji decided to keep it once the Rijichou was out of his way. Lost in a fantasy of Akio-less living, Saionji drove towards Ohtori Academy.   
  
The campus was silent, deserted, particularly absent of the sound of Touga's motorcycle. He had often returned to the school late at night, waking the entire student body with that damn noise. Saionji missed it. Well, after the Rijichou was gone, he'd have Touga all to himself, wouldn't he? Another windfall. Saionji parked and dragged the body to the incinerator. As he made ready to throw it in, Akio jerked to life in his hands. Saionji smiled at the Rijichou, whose fear turned immediately to fury. Still smiling, Saionji kissed Akio's duct-taped lips and tossed him into the flames. The door of the incinerator closed to his muffled screams.   
Saionji walked back to his car, whistling. He felt immeasurably better. He hopped into the driver's seat of Akio's--of *his* convertible, not bothering to open the door. There was a little business left for him to attend to.   
  
Saionji knocked on the door. It opened halfway to reveal a young, red-headed boy with a guarded expression.   
"Touga, baby," said Saionji, "All our troubles are over."  
The door opened a little wider. Saionji stepped back, his mouth open, unable to believe what he saw.   
"Come in," said Akio. "We have a lot to talk about." 


End file.
